Stupid Girl
by dawnm
Summary: Season 4. Buffy's POV. New Moon Rising...what might have been. BW
1. Stupid Girl

Title: Stupid Girl

By: dawnm

Disclaimer: I lay no claim to Buffy. All Hail Joss and ME. I make no money, so please don't sue.

Spoilers: "New Moon Rising"

A/N: Lyrics are from "Stupid Girl" by Garbage.

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**Stupid Girl**

Willow just left. She accused me of freaking out. She's right. I am freaked. I just keep lying here, listening to this song over and over again.

You stupid girl.  
You stupid girl.

It's fitting really. I've taken stupid to a whole new level.

Can't believe you fake it.  
Can't believe you fake it.

Don't know why I bother to fake it. It hasn't worked well for me. Riley is proof of that. I can't believe I went out with that guy. He is such a small-minded jerk. I almost decked him last night when he was mouthing off about Willow, insinuating that she was somehow less in his eyes just because she dated a werewolf.

One thing's for sure, its over between us. I'd rather be dead than spend another minute with that guy. Of course, with the way I feel right now, I might just rather be dead anyway.

All you had you wasted.  
All you had you wasted.

I did. I wasted my chance to be with the one person that really matters. I didn't know I had a chance until today. When Will told me about Tara, that's when it hit me.

I've known that I was in love with her for a long time. After Oz left, I had my chance. I should have told her. Instead, I spent all of those nights in Riley's bed, faking, while she was here alone.

Do you know how hard it is to look at Riley Finn and picture an adorable redhead?

It's hard...but not impossible. _Trust me, I know_.

When I was with him, I would close my eyes and picture her face. The way her green eyes sparkle. The way she laughs. The smile that saps my slayer strength and takes my breath away.

_Why didn't I just tell her?_

Stupid Girl.  
Stupid Girl.

"Buffy?" I didn't hear her come in. I thought she was with Tara...

* * *

TBC??? 


	2. Still Stupid

Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews. Here's a bit more of this little saga. Hope you like it.

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**Still Stupid**

Damn lousy slayer senses. Why didn't I hear her come in? I throw my arm over my face, trying to duck and cover before she notices the tears that I _know_ I've been crying.

"Are you okay?" She asks. The concern in her voice makes it hard to breathe. "Are you crying?" Somewhere inside, a part of me is laughing at the fact that I can't seem to hide anything from her. I'm lost in my thoughts, wondering what she's doing here, when I feel her hand on my arm. The touch causes me to jump and she pulls her hand away. At some point, my arm moved and I can see by the worried look in her eyes that my face must be a mess.

"I'm okay. Just a hard day." I tell her, trying to smile. She's looking in my eyes, trying to see into me. Everything I feel is so close to the surface, all of my own personal misery that I've been wallowing in. I turn away, hoping she doesn't see.

"No, Buffy. You're not okay. You're really not." She says knowingly, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "What's wrong?" A million thoughts run through my mind but I can't make sense of any of them. I don't know what to say.

A minute later, I hear her gasp and she launches off the bed. I've been avoiding eye contact since she came in, but now I _have_ to look. She's backing away with this scared look in her eyes, like maybe I just hit her. But I didn't. Now _I'm_ scared. _What happened?_

"Will?" That's all I can say. Eloquent as ever. I'm off the bed and moving toward her, but she keeps shaking her head, backing up until she crashes into the wall. She sinks to the floor and I see the tears in her eyes. _I made her cry._

I drop at her side and reach out to her. As soon as my hand touches her knee, she jerks it away and looks up at me. The pain in her eyes knocks the air out of my lungs. "Will, what's the matter?" I ask, my voice bordering on frantic.

"You..." She says and I know even from the one word that it's an accusation.

"What? What did I do?" I ask in a shaky voice.

"You lied. Earlier. You are freaked." She says between sobs. "We were best friends. I-I thought, at least I hoped, that you could accept. But you can't. Can you?"

And I _finally_ get it.

"What?" I ask a bit too loudly. She looks up at me and I shake my head. "No, Will. No. A thousand times no." I try to make her understand that it's not what she thinks. I'm not upset that she's interested in a girl. It's the _not me_ part that's hard to take.

But I can't tell her that. I'm thinking all of this when I realize she's up on her feet again and almost out the door. And she's crying even harder now if that's possible.

Slayer speed. I've got it and I used it, somehow managing to block the door just as her hand reached the knob. Then her words hit me like an instant replay.

_'I-I thought, at least I hoped, that you could accept. But you can't. Can you?' _

And then my response. _'No, Will. No. A thousand times no.' _

GOD, I'm an IDIOT!

"I mean yes. _YES_, I can accept it. _No_, it doesn't bother me." I blurt out. She looks at me confused and I can see in her eyes that she doesn't believe me. She really thinks I'm abandoning her because she likes a girl? I take a deep breath, trying to think of a way to convince her. Then my mind registers the music still playing, the same song still repeating. I look over at the CD player in disbelief. It's taunting me I think.

_You stupid girl.  
__You stupid girl.  
__Can't believe you fake it.  
__Can't believe you fake it._

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TBC...


	3. Touched

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****

**_Touched_** - barmy, batty, bizarre, bonkers, cuckoo, daft, eccentric, fanatic, flighty, insane, neurotic, not right, nuts, nutty, obsessed, odd, peculiar, pixilated, queer, screwy, unhinged.  
_Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus © 2004_

_  
  
Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer:  
  
_"I mean yes. _YES_, I can accept it. _No_, it doesn't bother me." I blurt out. She looks at me confused and I can see in her eyes that she doesn't believe me. She really thinks I'm abandoning her because she likes a girl? I take a deep breath, trying to think of a way to convince her. Then my mind registers the music still playing, the same song still repeating. I look over at the CD player in disbelief. It's taunting me I think. 

_You stupid girl.  
__You stupid girl.  
__Can't believe you fake it.  
__Can't believe you fake it._

* * *

_**Touched**_

The irony of it all hits me and I start to laugh. When I glance back at Willow, she has this look on her face like she thinks I've lost my mind. And I laugh harder as the tears run down my face. She just stares at me with worry in her sweet green eyes. I can't talk, so I just point at the stereo helplessly. She looks from me to the CD player and back again with a blank expression.

"Sorry." I finally manage to say, trying desperately to stop the flood of laughter and tears. "It just struck me funny." She's still looking at me like I'm nuts.

"I'm worried about you, Buffy." She says seriously. "I've never seen you like this."

"I'm okay. Really." I say, finally working my face into a more normal expression. "Can we sit? I can explain." I tell her, though I'm not really sure if I can explain. Maybe I have flipped. She nods and takes a seat on her bed. I start to sit down next to her, reconsider, and sit across from her on my own bed.

Another mistake. I curse inwardly when I see the look in her eyes. She thinks I don't want to be near her because of the _kinda gay_ thing. I have to stifle a laugh again at the irony. It's hard, but I manage to hold it in. I'm pretty sure at this point that if I make one more stupid mistake, even _with_ slayer speed I couldn't beat her to the door.

I have no idea what to say, but I know I have to say something... "It's not what you think." I tell her. "I have no problem with you being...you know..."

GREAT! I can't even say it?

The way I feel when she's around...every part of my body hums. When she touches me, even looks at me, it's like sticking my finger in a light socket. Not very romantic, granted, but that's what it feels like. I never felt like that with Angel. Riley..._yeah, right_. It's just Willow though, not _all_ people of the female variety. But still...she _is_ a girl. With the curves and the breasts and the softest lips...at least they look really soft. And the lavender shampoo she uses...her hair is like heaven. Silky, lavender-scented _heaven_. Ugh. I am _sooooo_ gay. So very _gay_.

Her voice interrupts my little private coming out party. "You can't even say it, Buffy." My eyes fly up to meet hers and there's the hurt. She looks like she's going to start crying again. I really can't stand it when she cries, let alone when it's because of me. I've gotta fix this.

Again with the slayer speed. I'm by her side, sitting on her bed, holding her hand before she even sees me coming. "Gay. I can say it. See. GAY! I have no problem with you being gay." Again with the look like she thinks I'm crazy. Of course, I _am_ practically sitting on her lap now, squeezing her hand, saying _gay, gay, gay_ over and over in a manic kind of voice. Maybe I should clarify...

"I mean, you are gay, right? What with the liking a girl and you being a girl, I guess I just sort of assumed...but you know what they say about assuming... If you're not - gay that is - that'd be okay too." She smiles for the first time and my brain comes to a screeching halt.

"Now you can't stop saying it." She says with a soft laugh. I'm dangerously close to losing control so I _casually_ let go of her hand and put a few more inches of space between us.

"I can stop. Really, I can." I say, returning her smile. "But are you..._you know_...the thing I'm not saying?" This makes her smile again. This time her eyes smile too and I hope she doesn't see me melting here...

"Uh huh." She says with a goofy little grin. And just like that, I'm lost in quiet celebration, suddenly thrilled that I have two X-chromosomes. Yay, me! _Is that pathetic?_

Now, if I just had everything else that Tara has...

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TBC... 


	4. BeWitched

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_

_Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer:_

"I mean, you are gay, right? What with the liking a girl and you being a girl, I guess I just sort of assumed…but you know what they say about assuming… If you're not - gay that is - that'd be okay too." She smiles for the first time and my brain comes to a screeching halt.

"Now you can't stop saying it." She says with a soft laugh. I'm dangerously close to losing control so I _casually_ let go of her hand and put a few more inches of space between us.

"I can stop. Really, I can." I say, returning her smile. "But are you…_you know_…the thing I'm not saying?" This makes her smile again. This time her eyes smile too and I hope she doesn't see me melting here…

"Uh huh." She says with a goofy little grin. And just like that, I'm lost in quiet celebration, suddenly thrilled that I have two X-chromosomes. Yay, me! _Is that pathetic?_

Now, if I just had everything else that Tara has…

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**Be_Witched_**

Which reminds me… "What are you doing here?" _Well that was smooth_. "What I mean is…I thought after Oz left that you'd be with Tara. But you're here."

"Oh, I'm just taking your advice." She says. _My advice?_ I didn't tell her not to see Tara. But if I'd known she was taking advice…

"What advice?" I ask, deeply curious.

"Following my heart…." She says. I _know_ I didn't hear that right. Or she didn't mean it the way I heard it. _Just look confused and she'll explain_.

"After our talk this morning, your reaction when I told you, I've been thinking. There was weirdness, Buffy, and I don't want there to be weirdness between us. So…my heart and I, we were talking," She says with an adorable grin. "And it told me that I needed to be here. You're my best friend. I don't want to lose you."

I can't stop the tears and I can't stop her from hugging me, which she does, as soon as she sees that I'm crying. Willow's just that way, so incredibly sweet. She spent all day thinking that I was rejecting her for being gay - which, if it were true, would make me a _total bitch_ - and still she comes here to try to make up with me instead of going to be with Tara. And now she's hugging me, trying to make _me_ feel better.

Mmmm, soooo soft and warm. I can feel her heartbeat against my chest, her arms around me…and I'm _really_ wishing Tara was a vamp, or even a demon, cause it'd make things a whole lot easier if I could just stake her. Not that I _want_ to kill her. She seems like a nice enough girl. I just…I don't think I can stand to see her with my Willow.

"Buffy?" Her voice sounds a little strained and I realize that I've been holding onto her too tightly for too long. Guiltily I pull away, praying that she doesn't notice the change in my breathing or any of the other little signs that all point to me being hopelessly in love with her.

"Sorry." I say lamely. She looks a bit flustered and I rush to cover my tracks. "I'm sorry if I seemed weird this morning. I was just surprised, I guess. But I really am okay with it. You could never lose me, Will." I say with conviction, my eyes locked on hers. I must have convinced her…because she's hugging me again. I'm surrounded by all that is Willow. And she's breathing on my neck. My nervous system is on serious overload here. Mmmm, I like. _I really like_…

_No, wait. Bad. Very bad._

Somehow, _don't ask me how_, I find the strength to pull away, only to find myself lost in her eyes. Nobody has eyes like Willow. She can carry on entire conversations with just those amazing green eyes. I could sit here for days just looking at her. But…that might be a little obvious.

So, I force myself to stand up, put some distance between us. But now I'm pacing. This doesn't look good. _Really_ need to relax. I feel her eyes on me as I stop in the middle of the room.

"Um, Buffy…isn't this the same song that was playing when I came in…?" She asks.

"Yeah. Sorry. I'll turn it off." I say, hurrying toward the CD player. _Don't listen to it, Will. And please don't ask..._

"Hey, I know this song…" She says as I reach for the stop button. "It's really depressing, Buffy. How long were you listening to it?"

"Not long." I say, trying to sound nonchalant. And it's not _really_ a lie because it wasn't days or anything…just an hour or two. Stop, I command, punching the button harder than necessary. Sweet silence. _Thank God that's over._

When I turn around, I run into her gaze. I can see the wheels turning behind those intent green eyes, like she's solving a riddle. Please don't, Will. Don't ask… "So…" She says thoughtfully. I groan inwardly when I see the glint in her eyes. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" She's not going to let this go.

"Wrong? Nothing's wrong. Everything is of the good." I say, but my voice betrays me. _Stupid squeaky voice_.

The famous Willow resolve face slides firmly into place. "When I came in you were crying, Buffy."

_How do I get out of this?_ "Patrol!" I blurt out when the idea pops into my head. "Vampires, demons, assorted baddies. I _really_ need to go." Sweater. Shoes. Stakes.

"Great. I'll come with you." She says, meeting me at the door. "And we can talk…."

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End file.
